You’re Lucky!
“You’re so lucky! Your father let you study so much. Your husband is willing to move with you if you get an amazing work opportunity. Your family let you marry the man of your choice. You were allowed to have male friends while growing up. Your in-laws don’t nag you to birth babies, preferably at least one male child. You are allowed to wear dresses with family prestige tarnishing hemlines and have alcoholic drinks occasionally. You are still keeping your maiden last name after getting married.”
I am subjected to these words on a regular basis. And I know some “lucky” female friends who have to hear the same. Most of the times, my reply is a gentle nod of agreement and a forced smile. I know, I am privileged. So many women would kill to have what I have. Hence, I am expected to acknowledge my sheer luck of being born at the right time, raised in the right family, and marry into the right family.
On women’s day, I ask myself, “Why do I have to be lucky to have what I have?” Luck is anyways a subjective concept, prone to its own interpretations. When a husband verbally and emotionally abuses his wife, we pacify that woman saying, “You’re lucky. He isn’t physically abusive.” When a daughter wants to pursue higher education like her brother, we tame her ambitions by saying, “You’re lucky. You are at least a graduate.” When a mother wishes to climb the corporate ladder like the fathers she works with, we slow her down saying, “You’re lucky. You get to work, so take it easy and balance it out with your real responsibilities.”
Women are made to feel lucky for simply existing. After all, those we see around us have dodged female feticide and infanticide. Once a girl is allowed to breathe, she has to go through harsh obstacles like gender-discrimination, forced marriage/motherhood, shattered aspirations, or self-esteem violating criticisms. She is considered lucky, if she is able to escape even one misfortune.
Each time a woman stands up for herself, without knowing it possibly, without claiming it, she stands up for all women. — Maya Angelou
I have observed older women dismissing younger women’s fight for equality by calling them too demanding. “Why aren’t these girls content with more freedom and choices than we had? Nowadays, girls have become too oversmart.” Haven’t we heard such revolting comments from “well-meaning” aunties and grannies around us? Making women feel indebted to get what men have been taking for free is like telling them, “The world doesn’t want you. So just take your small share, shut up, and smile like a nice cultured girl.” Men aren’t judged by the same standards. They get “boys will be boys” kind of playful remarks even on displaying glaringly problematic behavior.
Women need to stop themselves and other women from feeling “lucky” for having the freedom, choices, and opportunities they deserve as humans. After all, it is 2020, for Goddess’s sake!
Culture does not make people. People make culture. If it is true that the full humanity of women is not our culture, then we can and must make it our culture. — Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
